The Vampire is Too Busy to Go Outside
The black curtains are thrown up at once.
“Mister, did you get tired mid-scream!?”
“No… It’s just that no matter how much I scream in pain at the morning sun, there’s not much point if you don’t recognize me as a vampire.”
Throwing off his blanket, he sits at the end of the bed.
No tobacco, no alcohol. After quitting those things to placate the Saint, his mouth was feeling a little empty.
The man looked at the corner of the room.
And in that corner is the familiar wearing that maid uniform.
Since his tongue is so lonesome, maybe he could have a bite of that familiar?
Actually, let’s not go there.
The man inhaled deeply.
And turned to the Saint next to him.
“And so, young lady, what brings you here today?”
“Today, I plan on making use of what I worked on during my day off.”
“Day off? …Ah, right, there was that one rare day where you didn’t come. What were you doing?”
“I was researching vampires!”
The man leaned in just a little.
And then he asked:
“I thought you didn’t believe in vampires?”
“I don’t believe in them at all! But, since mister is so insistent on calling himself a vampire, I thought it would be best to read up on them!”
“I see. So, from your findings, how best would a ‘vampire’ integrate into human society?”
“Yes. Basically, the best way is for one to realize “There’s no such thing”. Basically, mister needs to separate fiction from reality.”
“…Going over this again and again is a hassle, but even for this uncle who would really rather not argue, there are some things I can’t overlook. You can’t just dismiss the race of vampires with a simple ‘Well, they probably don’t exist’, you know.”
“Fufufu… But, during my research, I found many inconsistencies in your claim of being a vampire! This Saint will not be lenient! Today, I shall crush your delusions!”
With a flourish, she points at the man.
The man laughed softly.
“Ho ho, what an interesting idea. So?”
“First of all, vampires are supposed to be weak to sunlight, this is what mister always says!”
“That’s right. For weak vampires, they will turn to ash just being exposed to sunlight… As for me, my whole body will start to burn. I used to dance with my friends in the sun as a test of courage.”
He remembers those nostalgic days.
“The Dancer of Blackest Night” is what he was known amongst his colleagues back in the old days.
Even if he’s alone now, as a man that’s something he can accept.
How long can a race that can’t survive in the sunlight be expected to go on for, anyway?
“Next is… Not being able to cross running water… I guess I haven’t seen you do that yet.”
“Hmm, that one is also true. When I wanted to cross a river, I had to use magic to stop the flow of water…”
There were often times when he would forget to let the river flow again, and when it finally did start to flow once more the build up in water would cause major flooding.
One or two villages were probably destroyed… He feels nostalgic about all those times he was a nuisance as a youth.
“And, blood sucking! I’ve never seen you do that!”
“Yes, that’s right. But since I’ve gotten older, I’ve somewhat lost my appetite. These days, just one or two cups of blood a year are enough.”
“In other words, mister is attacking some poor young women twice a year!? If you did such a thing, the Templar Knights wouldn’t overlook it! That must mean, you don’t suck blood! So you aren’t a vampire! How’s that!?”
“No, I’m not sucking from… Wait, young women? …Ah, now that you mention it, there was a time that I would only prey on the young ones, I wonder if I was particular about good looks?”
A memory from the time when he would only stand to drink the most expensive of wines.
In other words, he enjoyed the value rather than the taste. Nowadays though, he realizes that blood really is just blood, no matter if it comes from a young virgin or a stray alley cat.
He cares even less because his friends are long gone.
No matter how beautiful a woman he sucks blood from, what point is there if there’s no one to brag to?
That said, he still has to worry about his health.
Lately, he has been surviving on blood from chickens, but he has to be particular when he sends his familiar out to purchase some. Freshly drained chicken blood is bad for your health, it has to have been matured for a while first.
“Anyways, I make sure not to bother people. Chicken blood is good enough for me.”
“So unfair… If you never leave the house that means you never have to be in the sunlight, never cross flowing water, and never be seen drinking blood! Aren’t you just cheating?!”
“Well, that’s true.”
“So, I prepared this.”
The Saint takes something out from behind her.
It was… a basket with a lid on it.
It’s a bit of a strange size for a basket, maybe slightly bigger than two hand widths.
Where had she been hiding that the whole time? The man didn’t have the answer.
“What’s in that basket?”
“I brought lunch for mister today.”
“Ho ho? Blood, huh? If it will get you to believe that I’m a vampire, I’ll happily drink it even if I’m not hungry.”
“That’s not it. Lunch today is this!”
The basket is opened up.
And inside was…
“It’s garlic! The vampire’s biggest weakness! How is that!?”
It was just as she described.
The whole basket was full of raw garlic.
“…It doesn’t matter what I say. Uncle’s reaction is already wrong. You were hoping to prove I wasn’t a vampire if I didn’t react strongly, right?”
“First of all, even if I wasn’t a vampire, I think raw garlic would be bad for me. Besides, vampires don’t especially dislike garlic, it just so happens that we have a stronger sense of smell and taste than humans so we react more sharply to a strong sensation like garlic. It’s not like we would come to any real harm by smelling or tasting it. Really, garlic is only effective in catching young vampires off guard.”
“Anyways, all these weaknesses you’re trying to expose me on, they’re not really effective on elder vampires like myself… I even have a reflection in the mirror, you know.”
“Even if you tell me that I’m cheating…”
“But, it’s unfair! No matter what I say, you can just say that you’re an ‘Elder Vampire’ and wave it away like it’s nothing!”
“I can’t really change the facts. So, if you’re frustrated, why don’t you give up on trying to convince this uncle and go help someone else?”
“No, I refuse! Um… Then, let’s try the burning in the sun thing! Let me see! Let’s go outside!”
“I don’t want to. If someone asked you to go and burn to death on a whim, would you do it?”
“Then what can I do…”
“We’ve been over this plenty of times, but this uncle really just doesn’t want to go outside…”
The Saint made a very un-Saint like noise.
“Next time! Next time I will definitely succeed! I just went easy on you this time, but next time I come I will definitely prove that mister isn’t a vampire!”
“Well, do your best.”
“With that said, let’s continue where we left off with the cleaning!”
By the way, last time they barely got halfway through before they had to stop.
Because the castle is really big.
That’s why today the vampire will help clean the house.
He wouldn’t even have time to go outside if he wanted to.